Moi: The date is December 3rd, 2007. Time: Precisely 08.16. Whereabouts: Room 247 in *blocked out* Hotel, New York. I’m still waiting for her to arrive; it seems she has been delayed.
A shrimpy, blonde young woman of around 5-foot, dressed in stripes and leather of tangerine, enters the room. She murmurs and yawns, shuffling and scuffling towards the interviewer.
Moi: Good morning, Miss Lavigne. You are over 15 minutes late.
Tangigne: *yawn*
Moi: I must say, that is quite a response. I sense a distinct fatigue and I dare say, sluggishness, in your reply.
Tangigne: Uuh yah, they’re supposed to be real healthy, something like nature and ya know that guy who ray-fish killed, survival and stuff, ya noes.
Moi: This has little to do with your late and *clears throat* droopy-pooped appearance, but are you perhaps referring to the deceased Steve Irwin?
Tangigne: Uh yeas, that English croc-hunter.
Moi: I think you mean Australia.
Tangigne: Yah, in Australia, England.
Moi: Crocodiles in the UK? Yes, I believe Queenie rides one. Camilla arranged one for her a 60th anniversary. The funny thing is, Queenie was without a driver’s licence.
Tangigne: Yah, I read about that!
Moi: You read?
Tangigne: Err yah, instruction books mostly.
Moi: Yes, I thought so. Anyway, reports say that you are hosting free concerts. Have you just changed approach for strategic reasons or…?
Tangigne: I don’t have my dictionary with me, so I don’t know what that ’s word’ means…but yah, there is a reason. Well, ya know…*mumbles indistinctly*
Moi: Yes?
Tangigne: Well, they aren’t selling as…*is cut off*
Moi: Efficiently? I don’t have a dictionary with me, so you wouldn’t know what the ‘e word’ means, but…
Tangigne: Err, I think I know what fishing means. And it has nothing to with how crappy my concerts are selling!
Moi: So you are confirming your concerts aren’t selling well?
Tangigne: Err, yah. But I guess it’s just that my fans are getting poorer. I might do another charity thing…
Moi: But it’s been said that your free concerts are “crappy” as well.
Tangigne: Yah, remember my cool quote! You hate me, you suck!
Moi: I was merely criticising your performance standards.
Tangigne: Yah, watch it, you! I said watch it!
Moi: *clears throat* You are spitting.
Tangigne: Wha!?
Moi: And my papers are getting wet.
Tangigne: What are you talking you, ya!?
Moi: Erm, will you please cease, I already had a shower.
Tangigne: A’ight, I’m going to go listen to Paramore or something, this interpol sucks!
Moi: It’s called an INTERVIEW, you crummy, crappy, third-rate stooge!
Tangigne: Err, YOU’RE THE LOSER, NOT ME!
Avril Lavigne (Viva La Linger, Vaginal Liver, Tangigne) storms from the room.
So yah.
